AMBIVALENCE

Monday, July 10, 2006

Current mood: dirty

Man oh man! I should not have gone for that walk yesterday! At least not down by the river anyway!

Okay I should have known better, but when I saw a little rowboat tethered up I couldn't resist the urge to have a go. I wasn't intending to go far, just up and down the river a little.

Well, I get caught in this current and whisked off down stream through these rapids. My god my heart was in my mouth, but I'm not about to tell you what was in my pants.

Somehow I managed to ride the rough without capsizing but ended up at the bottom of a ravine. I spied a guy on the banks of the river and called for help. He just stared at me, smiling. I called out again for assistance and again he just smiled, this time waving something in his hand. I couldn't make out what it was, except that it was long and thin and wet. Could have been an eel I guess but it was the wrong color.

Suffice to say this guy was freaking me out so I paddled away from the bank as fast as I could toward the other side. But on looking up I saw another weird fella, and this one had an equally queer look in his eye.

He lassoed my boat and pulled me over. Moments later we were joined by his friend who had swam across. And so my unspeakable ordeal began...
"Squeal like a Pig!" Hollered the lasso man. So what could I do given the circumstances? I Squealed.
"Bark like a dog!" So I barked.
"Squawk like a parrot!" I squawked.
"Purr like a kitten!" joined in the other fella waving the long thin slippery thing at me. I purred.

These guys were huge fans of animal noises and had no intention of letting me go until I had run through all the creatures they could think of. But judging by the look of them, I didn't expect that would be many. Thank heavens for small mercies.

I had never been so embarrassed and afraid in equal measures and but it was not until I was asked to make a noise like a rabbit that I really began to panic. What noise do rabbits make???

Suddenly a shot rang out and the men ran. All they left behind was the long thin wet thing, which turned out to be a large uncooked wiener. Of course! What else could it have been?

The shot had been fired by a Hunter who stepped out into the clearing. "Thank you! Thank you so much!" I exclaimed, just before he punched me in the stomach.
"That was my boat you thieving S.O.B." he said in way of an explanation for his actions.
"I'm willing to pay for any damages," I quickly offered.
"And another thing," he continued, "I'm the only man does animal impressions round these parts."

A few hours later he had dropped me off at home via the ATM machine to get his money and I walked into the house to be faced with my Wife. "Look at the state of you, covered in mud," she said, "You look like and animal!"

I roared!

Currently listening : Animals by Pink Floyd. Release date: By 25 April, 2000
11:24 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Biryani Grief
well, that auta learn ya'!
dont go stealin', karma that is!
xxx xxx
Posted by Biryani Grief on Monday, July 17, 2006 at 10:37 AM