GOT OUT OF BED WASN'T FEELIN' TOO GOOD (Part2)

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Current mood: sore

So there we all were. The Cop looking at me, looking at the stowaways, looking at the Cop and I.

"Th... They must have climbed in there when I... I... I stopped to let the other fella in", I stammered. The Police Officer turned his attention to the men and signaled them to get out of the trunk. They did so, slowly...

He got all four of us lined up up the side of the road. "Drivers License... DRIVER'S LICENSE!" he demanded. "Oh, sorry did you mean me?" I asked, fumbling for my license. "Here. It's all in order Officer."

He looked at it, then at me and finally back at the license. "Charles Wynford Lodge..."
"The actor..." I added.

Still looking over my license he said, "I know who you are."
"You do? Oh, well jeepers, you know I'm not the kinda guy to go ferrying Illegal Immigrants around town". He looked me in the eye, "Who said anything about Illegal Immigrants?" I gestured toward the dumbstruck mustachioed men, "Well I thought..."
"I am sure you will appreciate that carrying passengers in the trunk of your car is against the law. I noticed them get in there a little ways back up the road."
"You did? Well I had no idea they were in there."
"Well seeing as though your something of a local celebrity..." he began. "What do you mean, Something of!?" I interjected. "Something... of a local celebrity, I am willing to let it go this time. Do you know, its that old TV series of yours that made me want to become a cop in the first place, " he admitted smiling.
"You don't say."
"Yeh I do. I just did, just now...", he said looking confused.
"So you're saying if I had never made Baxter Investigates... you'd not have been a cop and I wouldn't have just been pulled over?"
He thought for a minute, "Yeh, I guess so. Although it was your sidekick, that Lewis Kendall character, I liked best. He was such a cool guy... I wrote to him once and got a signed photograph back."
"Who of?" I asked.

The Cop was staring up into the sky lost in some nostalgic never never land. He snapped back to reality and again fixed me with a steely glare, "Didn't he die? The guy that played Kendall?" I could feel the pressure rise, "It was an accident! A series of unfortunate events culminating in his death. No cover-up. No conspiracy. No murder plot. Just a god awful accident!" I blustered.
"Okay, Okay! I was only asking. I was just thinking. I bet that signed photograph would be worth a bit of money now..." concluded the cop.
"Did you ever get a signed photo from me?" I enquired.
"Nope."
"Do you want one?"
"Nope."

And so it was that he let me go on my way and he was kind enough to give the three guys a lift to town himself. There was more room in his car so it made sense really. I still feel a little put out that he didn't what my John Hancock though...

Currently listening : Invisible Touch by Genesis
Release date: By 25 October, 1990

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GOT OUT OF BED WASN'T FEELIN' TOO GOOD (Part 1)

Monday, July 24, 2006

Current mood: uncomfortable

Dick Muldul (my agent) called me today and woke me up. "Charles," he said. "I have exciting news!"

"What time is it?" I replied.

"A quarter past four."

"What!? Whats so goddamn exciting that you need to call me at this time in the afternoon?"

"I may have found you a job!"

He went on to explain that there was a new TV series being planned and that there could be a part in it for me. It was either as a Government Official, a Doctor, a Psychiatrist, some sort of detective or a Politician. Something like that. He was incredibly hazy on the details.

I am still keen on doing this horror film in the UK but a series could get me great exposure. I need more details. Why is he so hazy on the details! He can be such a schmuck sometimes!

As I was now awake I decided to go for an afternoon drive in the old Mustang. I stuck a tape on, Genesis by Genesis, and headed on out. It was great with the top down, feeling the cool air through my hair. As I was driving out in the country, cruising round mountain roads and along lakesides I saw a dusty figure stood by the side of the road. His extended thumb indicated his desire for a lift and being the nice guy I am I pulled up.

"Where you goin' buddy?" I enquired. He pulled out a postcard and pointed at the picture. "Oh, Polssog? Just so happens I live there. Hop in."

He hefted this big rucksack into the back seat and we set off back to town. He seemed pretty taken with the music I was playing. Tapping his thighs along with the beat. I tried to strike up a conversation.

"Phil Collins. Great drummer huh?"

He smiled and nodded.

"Mike Rutherford. Great guitarist huh?"

He smiled and nodded.

"Tony Banks. Great keyboardist huh?"

He smiled and nodded.

"Jessica Fletcher. Great crime novelist huh?"

He smiled and nodded.

I got the feeling he didn't have a clue what I was saying. He seemed a nice enough guy though and sure smiled a lot. And I couldn't hold not being able to speak English against him. I mean, except the English themselves most people that came to live in America couldn't speak English either!

Just as we neared the edge of town I heard a quick blast of a police siren and saw a flash of police lights. I pulled over and switched of the music.

The Cop pulled up behind us, got out and walked up alongside us. My passenger looked concerned. His smile had morphed into a look of panic. "It's okay it'll be a routine check I bet" I reassured him.

The Cop stood looking down on us and took off his shades, "Would you mind switching the engine off sir?" I switched it of. "Was I speeding officer?"

"Nope."

"The music? It wasn't too loud was it?"

"Nope"

"Thank god. So what is it? Tail light?"

"Pop the trunk please sir."

I thought he must want to check my spare. See if it was road-worthy. My passenger was now looking even more pensive. "Who's your friend?" asked the Police Officer.

"I dunno to be honest. I just picked him up back along the road there"

"I see..."

He opened the trunk. "Er. Sir, could you come here." I hopped out and stood next to him. "Care to explain?" he asked. I looked down and my jaw dropped. There huddled up in the trunk were two terrified looking mustachioed men. The cop turned to me, "Going to a Village People convention?" he smirked.

Part 2 coming soon!

Currently listening : Genesis by Genesis.

Release date: By 25 October, 1990

9:25 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Richard
If this was a TV serial it would end with a zoom shot to your horrified face and dramatic #dun dun daahh# music!

Nice cliff-hanger ending - can't wait for part 2!

Posted by Richard on Monday, July 24, 2006 at 11:35 PM

TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Current mood: angry

I am sick of ass-wipes pulling up out side my house with their stereos blasting out horse-shit music.

It's becoming a regular occurrence! Thumping bass and twiddley bips and bops! I hate it. HATE IT! What is up with these goddamn people? The world will be populated by deaf fast drivers with no musical taste in the near future.

Why do they think that their music is so great that the whole world has got to be exposed to it? Its not even good music! I think stereos should be fitted with inhibiters so that you can't turn them up past a certain volume. That or the Police are allowed to shoot out your tyres if your music is above an acceptable level.

And what is it with those big car exhausts? They don't make the car run any better just make it sound louder and makes the driver come across as even more of an ass-hole.Jeeze Louise! I feel riled up today!

I better just go watch some more TV I think! And the next time they pull up with those dum dum beats, I'll counteract the dickwad music that blasts from their automobiles with some much better music of my own! See below...

Currently listening : Drama by Yes.

Release date: By 24 February, 2004

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FILM NIGHT 3

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Current mood: sick

Well I finally got round to it. The Zombie Blood Feast movie marathon!

It was this series of movies which led to the writing of Baxter Investigates... Dead Men Walking. An episode which saw government experiments go awry. Ultimately unleashing a plague of zombies unto the streets of Los Endos. Which is basically the plot of the movies too. Except the setting isn't Los Endos. The Execs had noted the popularity of the first two movies and had commissioned a Halloween Special which went out later than usual due to its zombie content.

First into the VCR is the film which began the saga, Zombie Blood Feast. (This and the first sequel were made prior to my casting as Lt. Don Baxter. The remaining sequels were made after the show finished.)

In this movie I play a Lab Technician named Cotten who is involved in experiments in creating organic automaton using the freshly dead. Its a big secret Government Initiative which ends up going hay-wire. However it turns out the real cause of the reanimation is due to a disaster of natural origins.

I am the only character to survive from the first film and then turn up in the sequels as the authority on the Flesh Eating Freaks! (that was an alternate title by the way)

Zombie Blood Feast II: Dead Before Bedtime went into production almost as soon as we had wrapped on the first movie. The investors believed that they could stretch the remaining budget from the first movie to create a second, which is exactly what they did. We had wrapped early too so all the actors and crew, etc were still under contract for three more days work. Some people say the hurried filming of ZBF II is a little too evident at times, and the flash-back sequences to the first film were a little too frequent and lengthy. But I still think it holds together well.

The basic plot had the survivors heading out of the zombie invested city into the mountains. Along the way we recount how we came to end up all together (hence the flash-backs). However, we are unaware that an Uber-Zombie has hitched a ride with us!

Basically holiday-makers, locals, etc all get attacked and eaten by the Uber-Zombie and the film ends up with it pushing our RV over a cliff.

The end shot of this zombie, clenched fists raised above its head in triumph silhouetted against the burning embers of the setting sun, is one of the greatest I have ever seen in a movie. Then when it spontaneously combusts, then explodes, and its teeth fly out toward the screen in the film's only 3D sequence... It's just gotta be one of the best shots of all time.

After the success of Baxter Investigates... and our own homage to the Zombie Blood Feast movies, some enterprising bright spark decided it was time to make a new set of movies in the series, Zombie Blood Feast III: The Return of the Teeth and Zombie Blood Feast IV: The Nibblers, which were actually filmed back to back.

We had all supposedly perished when the RV was crushed under the ensuing landslide but they concocted a clever way that my character had survived. I had decided to step out of the RV and go to the John just as the Uber-Zombie pushed the vehicle over the cliff. We shot some bits of me witnessing all the action (again clever use of pre-existing material)

So in ZBF III all that has survived of the Uber-Zombie are its teeth. Well not just its teeth, its whole jaws. Teeth on their own really couldn't pose a threat could they. Unless they were fashioned into some sort of projectiles or something... Anyway!

So the teeth go around biting people and turning them into zombies. And its these zombies which become known as The Nibblers in the final film, because they are born of the nibbling teeth. Obviously!

They may not have had the charm of the original couple of movies but they definitely had something. More blood and guts for starters! Unfortunately they didn't do too well financially or critically and no more movies were planned.

I have fond memories of making all these horror films though, and I'll never forget the scene in Zombie Blood Feast where two little girl zombies pull a guys intestines out, then start skipping rope with them.

Classic!

Currently listening : Full Moon Fever by Tom Petty.

Release date: By 25 October, 1990

9:50 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

BRIT HORROR

Friday, July 21, 2006

Current mood: working

I think I should briefly mention one of the horror films I have previously made in the UK. Namely The House Where Nobody Dared Go Because It Was Too Scary Except A Group Of Stupid Students Decided It Would Be A Good Idea To Take A Look Inside As Part Of An Idiotic Initiation Ritual Type Thing. Unfortunately in the States most of the budget was spent on getting the posters printed up. This wasn't an issue in the UK however, where it was known as House of Death.

Currently listening : Human Racing by Nik Kershaw

Release date: By 25 January, 2000
6:42 PM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Richard
The lack of cinemas with very very wide screen didn't help!

P.S. I have given you 2 kudos even though I have no idea what kudos is!

Posted by Richard on Saturday, July 22, 2006 at 2:21 AM

Charles Wynford Lodge
Wasn't Kudos a villain out of 'classic' Star Trek? I think I may have auditioned for the part...

Posted by Charles Wynford Lodge on Saturday, July 22, 2006 at 9:26 AM

Sarah
There's a program called Kudos on the computers in my old school, which is supposed to suggest an ideal career for you. Mine, much to my dismay, suggested that I become either a damp-proofer or a fish-farmer, neither of which appeal to me in the slightest!

I was hoping it would come up with something like "Actor... not dissimilar to the legend that is Charles Wynford Lodge - the acto... no wait we already said that."

Posted by Sarah on Wednesday, August 02, 2006 at 8:59 PM

Charles Wynford Lodge
Wow! You think I am a legend!? That is so adorable. And there was me thinking the youth of today had no manners or respect for their elders.

Actually I played a Fish-Farmer in a weird film I shot in Scotland called The Lochland Tail.

Its never too late if you want to be an actress. Don't loose sight of your horizons!

Posted by Charles Wynford Lodge on Wednesday, August 02, 2006 at 9:36 PM

Sarah
Alas, I could never be an actress, I'm far too shy and self-conscious!

A girl can dream though, a girl can dream...

Posted by Sarah on Wednesday, August 02, 2006 at 10:39 PM

Charles Wynford Lodge
Shyness and self-consciousness should never be a barrier (although obviously they kinda are).

If its something you'd like to try go for it, and try not to worry about looking a fool. Look at me, I've made a career out of it. Acting I mean, not looking a fool...

Posted by Charles Wynford Lodge on Thursday, August 03, 2006 at 11:53 AM

FILM NIGHT 2

Friday, July 21, 2006

Current mood: scared

I decided to start watching the movies earlier so that I could cram more in. Still didn’t manage to watch them all, but got through quite a few. Even a couple I didn't even remember I was in!

So lets start with those. Grotties was about a gang of little monsters who go around doing devilish things (not to be confused with Gremlins, Critters, Ghoulies, Garbage Pail Kids, etc)

I had completely forgotten my involvement in this. Then when I saw the Grotties themselves it all came flooding back. I worked on it as a puppeteer (my hands coming in useful again there!) controlling the little monsters in mid shots and close ups. I did a lot of laying on the floor behind boxes on that film.

The Grotties were Bee-Face, Fish-Lips, Grass-Stain, Slime-Ball and Grease-Monkey. All pretty weird looking little boogers. There were a few sequels too, which I wasn't involved in. Grotties II, Grotties do Spring-Break and Grotties IV: The Origin of the Grotties.

I was surprised to see I even had a cameo in Grotties as a security guard who is attacked by Bee-Face which I was also puppeteering. So I was basically throttling myself.

Next up was Mrs. Pomroy's Peculiar Perversion. This was a bit of an Art House movie. I have a feeling it was directed by Robert Levitator but coulda just as easily been Herb Ballpark. I played a psychiatrist studying Mrs. Pomroy's case and ending up one of her unwitting victims. Tied up with a washing line in a makeshift torture chamber erected in her shed. Do you remember the bit with the sewing machine? Ouch!

I remember a guy coming up to me in the rest-room after the premiere when I was stood at a urinal and he was astounded that I was still able to pee. I pointed out it was all done with special effects. He just stared down and said, "Wow. Looks real to me!"

Angel-Face II was great. It was the sequel to a film about an evil cat. In this movie the original cat's offspring sought revenge for its mother's death. The first film had Angel-Face starting out as this pretty harmless looking stray that these people take in, but they soon regret their hospitality when the cat begins to attack visitors, family and friends.

There was that great shot at the end when the cat has exploded and everyone is relieved that the torment is over. Then we cut back to the cat's den and the camera pans across to the open rib-cage of one of the cat’s previous victims, and there nestled inside is a little ball of fur which turns round in slow motion and miaows. The shot freezing mid-miaow and then zooming into its open mouth. Amazing stuff. The sequels not bad either.

I played the Vet who is the first to feel the furry wrath of Angel-Face II. I ended up with my eyeball dangling from its socket (not really, again just special effects). Again I leant my talents as a puppeteer when they needed shots of the cat biting people.

It was a really cute critter, you see, and wouldn't even so much as scratch. Every time it was meant to attack it had to be thrown into shot and the victim had to catch it and writhe around. You can even hear the cat purring in some of those shots. So thats why they needed the prop biting head thing.

Again I was running out of time but had an hour and twenty-three minutes in which I could watch The Bottom Feeder. Now, I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong you sicko.

The Bottom Feeder is actually about this genetically mutated sea-creature. I played a Marine Biologist in it. It was pretty bad actually. Not my finest hour and 23 minutes I can tell you. Originally the film was going to be about a giant Conga Eel and entitled Eel Met By Moonlight. But the budget wouldn't stretch and it was decided that The Bottom Feeder was the way to go.

Rather unsurprisingly the film sank without a trace. Hey, did you see what I did there. I said "sank without a trace" which is like a nautical themed phrase, and The Bottom Feeder was set in and around the ocean! Genius! Although come to think of it The Bottom Feeder itself somehow ended up in a pool in some woodland which is where my character encountered it. So they may have scratched the whole ocean setting too due to the budget restraints.

Next time around I am going to try and watch the Zombie Blood Feast movies all in one go. I better get the sick bucket ready.

Currently listening : Tango in the Night by Fleetwood Mac. Release date: By 25 October, 1990
9:09 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Richard
Great Blog as usual Charles!

Shame about the budget for "The Bottom Feeder" not stretching to make it about a giant conga eel, I read somewhere that the screenplay writer had ideas for a whole series of films. "Eel Meet Again!" was one that sticks in my mind.

Posted by Richard on Friday, July 21, 2006 at 12:03 PM

Charles Wynford Lodge
Thanks Richard you're a Pal. Yeh there was going to be a whole raft of sequels. There was also Raw Eel, Eel Dawn and The Seventh Eel.

Posted by Charles Wynford Lodge on Friday, July 21, 2006 at 1:15 PM

Sarah
My cat died just yesterday, but hopefully there won't be any evil snarling furballs in my vicinity.

Better get the old broom out just in case one decides to jump on me and give me a case of The Shudders!

Posted by Sarah on Wednesday, August 02, 2006 at 8:53 PM

Charles Wynford Lodge
Sorry to here about your cat! I feel for you... not in the biblical sense though you understand!

You look a little like one of the actresses from Shudders actually. Though she'd be older than you now of course as I made it some time in the 70's.

Posted by Charles Wynford Lodge on Wednesday, August 02, 2006 at 9:46 PM

FILM NIGHT 1

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Current mood: aggravated

Still not received the script through but have been having great fun watching my old movies. I had a few in my personal archive but had to go down to the video store to find the rest. Luckily they were all in the bargain bin so I was able to pick them up for a dollar or two and now they're mine for keeps!

I invited some pals over for a film night, but sadly they all had prior engagements or sudden crises they had to deal with. So it was that I sat alone on my sofa with a bowl of potato chips by my side, and a can of root beer in my hand. Except I hadn't put the first cassette in the VCR so I had to get up and insert it. Now I was able to sit back down. Except I sat in the bowl of potato chips. I tell you, they should come with a warning. Some of those chips are sharp!

First movie I watched was Alien Menace. Basically the plot concerns this guy who makes crank phone calls, but it turns out he's an alien that feeds off peoples exasperation and anger. Its a pretty dumb movie if I'm honest but I have this great cameo as Dr. Heinrich Feinleiner. I'm like the authority on Aliens and stuff. I fast-forwarded to my scenes. Not because I am vain but because I only had a few hours until my Wife got back from her Poker game.

Next up was Hunt Scar Warrior, a story about a guy who had been at a fancy dress party dressed as a Stag, got drunk and subsequently lost in the woodlands surrounding the place the party was happening. The next morning, still under the influence of alcohol he staggers (STAGgers... geddit?) through the woods moaning and groaning loudly. Some early bird hunters spot the guy from a distance, he looks like a Stag, sounds like a Stag and they can even detect the faint odor of musk in the air. So they do what comes naturally to people like themselves and shoot the bejesus outta the guy.

When they get to the spot the Stag fell, all they find is a patch of blood, some fur and a Reebok training shoe. And so is set a tale of bloody retribution as the guy becomes the Hunt Scar Warrior. Seeking out his would be killers and meeting out some good old-fashioned justice!Of course I played one of the five hunters in this movie. The other four were played by Jed Ithuraternov, Bing Crispin, Jack Drewton and Laurence Fishcake. We all died in really cool ways in that movie! I won't say how as it may spoil your enjoyment.

Finally I just had time to watch The Clawed Creeper which is about this thing thats got claws and creeps around. This was one of my very first movies and again it was a bit of hand acting. In close ups, my hand was the creatures Claw. I got to grab a number of lovely actresses on that movie. Unfortunately I also had to also grab Viking Strong's ass. He was playing a cop and is taken by surprise when he thinks he has killed the creature and is turning to walk away...

I'll have to attack the other movies another night as my Wife came home wreaking of booze and stinking of cigarette smoke. I banished her to the summerhouse. I'm not sleeping with someone who smells like a Brothel. Not that I know what one of those smells like. I'd just like to make that clear...

Currently listening : Long Distance Voyager by The Moody Blues. Release date: By 25 October, 1990
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Richard
Wasn't Jack Drewton in "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?" or am I confusing him with another actor?

Posted by Richard on Thursday, July 20, 2006 at 11:51 AM


Charles Wynford Lodge
I think you may be mildly confused. I don't recall Jack being in that movie but then I don’t recall much about him at all. Except he had a wooden finger on his left hand that he liked to try and keep hidden on camera.

He was a pretty strange fella actually. I do remember him telling us the story about how he lost the finger. According to him he was out bird-watching one day and was just slipping his hand round the side of a tree when he felt something clamp down on his finger. He'd only gone and stuck it into a Beaver's mouth. I think thats what he said anyway. Out of respect for mother nature he had his missing finger replaced with a wooden one fashioned from the wood of the tree the Beaver was munching on. Of course he'd had to pommel the Beaver with his binoculars first before he could get to the tree again...

He died a few years ago. I think he drowned when a dam burst up river from his log cabin home. The only thing they found was his finger...

Posted by Charles Wynford Lodge on Thursday, July 20, 2006 at 3:07 PM

SHOCK HORROR!

Monday, July 17, 2006

Current mood: productive

I've been contacted by a production company over in the United Kingdom. They would like me to go on over and audition for a role in a new movie they are making. Not sure what the part is yet but I do know its an old style horror flick.

I've dabbled with horror roles on a few occasions. Most notably in The Clawed Creeper, The Bottom Feeder, Mrs Pomroys Peculiar Perversion, Vampire Vacation, Hunt Scar Warrior, Shudders, Zombie Blood Feast, Zombie Blood Feast II: Dead Before Bedtime and The House Of Haunted Mirrors. Of course there were also the straight to video likes of Angel-face II, Alien Menace, Zombie Blood Feast III: The Return of the Teeth, Zombie Blood and Feast IV: The Nibblers.

So I guess someone over at this production company has seen me perform and thinks I could be good in this movie. I have a feeling its a horror anthology. You know, one of those stories where there are a load of little stories contained within it. Could be fun! It'd be interesting to see who else they have in mind for parts in it. Maybe I should suggest Simon Lotrans.

I think what I should do is get all my old horror movies out and watch them back. See where I went right and where I went wrong (yes, even I am capable of lousing it up sometimes!)

I think I'll watch some old Vincent Price and Boris Karloff films too. Then there are those anthology films like Asylum and From Beyond the Grave, those should keep me going until the script arrives.

Plus I can tell my Wife that its research and she won't be able to have a go at me for sitting around on my backside all afternoon!

Currently listening : Lionheart by Kate Bush. Release date: By 25 October, 1990
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Richard
I love horror anthology films - "The Vault of Horror" is one of my favorites, Tom Baker of Doctor Who fame is in it.

The downside of such films for an actor is that they don't pay very well (only 1-2 days work).

Still good luck and enjoy the research!

Posted by Richard on Monday, July 17, 2006 at 4:29 PM

Charles Wynford Lodge
The two I just mentioned are favorites of mine. I also really like Dr Terror's House of Horrors. Nice to see Donald Sutherland in that one.

And who can forget Terry-Thomas in Vault of Horror too. What a wonderful actor he was. Such a cad!

A shame so many of these great performers are no longer with us.I often wonder what Carl Wark would be doing now if he hadn't had that terrible accident. Note I say ACCIDENT...

Maybe even Baxter Investigates... would still be running. Mind you we wouldn't have made the special if the series had still been going. And I got to work with some great actors on that.I

imagine Carl would have gone on to make big Hollywood movies... Poor guy.

Posted by Charles Wynford Lodge on Monday, July 17, 2006 at 6:23 PM

Richard
Yes Donald Sutherland is always good and the master of re-dubbing, when the original sound recording wasn't good enough. Happy 71st Birthday Donald! (I'm sure he reads your blog from time to time).

Carl Wark is sadly missed by all and those rumours, about his death, are totally unfounded.

Posted by Richard on Monday, July 17, 2006 at 11:13 PM

Charles Wynford Lodge
I didn't know that about the re-recording. How fascinating. We needed to re-record some audio on Baxter Investigates... Again! when one of the actors couldn't stop swearing. We had to get a sound-a-like to dub over all the bad words. I don’t know quite who the sound-a-like was supposed to sound like though!

I hope Donald does read my blog. I guess he'd have to be pretty bored to do so though!Thank you for your support on the whole Carl Wark thing. Even all these years later it is still hard to come to terms with.

Posted by Charles Wynford Lodge on Tuesday, July 18, 2006 at 12:08 AM

A NIGHT IN SUMMER LONG AGO

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Current mood: nostalgic

I'm sitting here in my pj's, eating a Bagel and contemplating the events of the past few days. Even at the height of my fame I never got into such scrapes as these.

Although there was that one time that Carl Wark (Lewis Kendall from Baxter Investigates...) and I went to that convention in 1982. This was just before we began recording the final series, and obviously before Carl had that terrible accident. And I still say it was an accident. I had nothing, absolutely nothing to do with it!

Anyway...

This convention, Baxtercon '82, was being held at the Crystal Peak Church of the Former Lost Souls of Solitude, a really strange place, full of stranger people.Carl and I arrived on stage to mild indifference. "Who are you!?" someone cried out. The compere stepped forward, "This is Carl Wark and Charles Wynford Lodge".
"The actor." I added.
For a moment there was stunned silence as fans turned to one another with looks of incredulity. Then suddenly rapturous applause erupted from the crowd.

An audience member put his hand up, "Baxter..."
"The name is Charles Wynford Lodge... the actor." I pointed out.
"Baxter," he continued, "when you arrested that guy did it make you feel good?"

From that point on I knew Carl and I were in for a day of mind-numbing tedium. To be honest I don't remember much more from then on. I think my brain automatically switched off as some sort of safety mechanism.

But later that evening at the hotel I was just putting my key in the door to my room when I felt somebody pinch my backside. I spun round and there was Lewis Kendall! "Carl? Is that you? What in the name of Sweet Potatoes are you doing?" I queried.
"I'm Poppy. I'm a big fan of yours", replied this little voice. It was a fan dressed up as Kendall. "Thank heaven's. For a minute I thought Carl had gone fruity" I said.
Poppy leant in and whispered in my ear, "I like to dress up as Kendall at its my fantasy to make love to Baxter."

What was I supposed to do? I know, you're gonna think I was stupid for doing it, but I directed her down the hallway to a room of another fan who had come to the convention dressed as Baxter.

Well I was a married man, and besides I don't think I ever would have got over making love to Kendall. How would I have ever looked Carl in the face (or anywhere else for that matter) again!?

Currently listening : Golden Heart by Mark Knopfler. Release date: By 26 March, 1996
8:56 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

AMBIVALENCE

Monday, July 10, 2006

Current mood: dirty

Man oh man! I should not have gone for that walk yesterday! At least not down by the river anyway!

Okay I should have known better, but when I saw a little rowboat tethered up I couldn't resist the urge to have a go. I wasn't intending to go far, just up and down the river a little.

Well, I get caught in this current and whisked off down stream through these rapids. My god my heart was in my mouth, but I'm not about to tell you what was in my pants.

Somehow I managed to ride the rough without capsizing but ended up at the bottom of a ravine. I spied a guy on the banks of the river and called for help. He just stared at me, smiling. I called out again for assistance and again he just smiled, this time waving something in his hand. I couldn't make out what it was, except that it was long and thin and wet. Could have been an eel I guess but it was the wrong color.

Suffice to say this guy was freaking me out so I paddled away from the bank as fast as I could toward the other side. But on looking up I saw another weird fella, and this one had an equally queer look in his eye.

He lassoed my boat and pulled me over. Moments later we were joined by his friend who had swam across. And so my unspeakable ordeal began...
"Squeal like a Pig!" Hollered the lasso man. So what could I do given the circumstances? I Squealed.
"Bark like a dog!" So I barked.
"Squawk like a parrot!" I squawked.
"Purr like a kitten!" joined in the other fella waving the long thin slippery thing at me. I purred.

These guys were huge fans of animal noises and had no intention of letting me go until I had run through all the creatures they could think of. But judging by the look of them, I didn't expect that would be many. Thank heavens for small mercies.

I had never been so embarrassed and afraid in equal measures and but it was not until I was asked to make a noise like a rabbit that I really began to panic. What noise do rabbits make???

Suddenly a shot rang out and the men ran. All they left behind was the long thin wet thing, which turned out to be a large uncooked wiener. Of course! What else could it have been?

The shot had been fired by a Hunter who stepped out into the clearing. "Thank you! Thank you so much!" I exclaimed, just before he punched me in the stomach.
"That was my boat you thieving S.O.B." he said in way of an explanation for his actions.
"I'm willing to pay for any damages," I quickly offered.
"And another thing," he continued, "I'm the only man does animal impressions round these parts."

A few hours later he had dropped me off at home via the ATM machine to get his money and I walked into the house to be faced with my Wife. "Look at the state of you, covered in mud," she said, "You look like and animal!"

I roared!

Currently listening : Animals by Pink Floyd. Release date: By 25 April, 2000
11:24 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Biryani Grief
well, that auta learn ya'!
dont go stealin', karma that is!
xxx xxx
Posted by Biryani Grief on Monday, July 17, 2006 at 10:37 AM

UWE IDIOT!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Current mood: listless

I am very tired this morning. I stayed up late watching another movie last night. I shouldn't have bothered. Alone in the Dark by Uwe Boll (that name has gotta be made up right?) was pretty damn weird.I'm not sure what the plot was. Some guy who did some experiments on kids and wanted to open a door to a big cave. But why? I guess we'll never know. The monsters were quite good but didn't really do much. What were they anyway? Demons? Aliens? CGI?

So as a result of over sleeping I am running behind schedule today. But as I don't have anything planned it doesn’t really make much difference. I suppose I should read the script that my agent Dick sent me. Its for a part of a tramp in a remake of the classic Robert Levitator movie Tramp Killer. Suffice to say my character Grunge Bob Brownpants ends up dead. I'm told he's a pivotal role in the film, but from what I can make out I'll be on screen for about 30 seconds with one line. Namely "Argghhhh, my appendix!"

Perhaps its time I wrote my autobiography. But how do I start it? My birth? My conception? No, no... That’s too disgusting. I'm not writing THAT sort of book!

I think I may go out for a walk to get some inspiration. I'll take my note pad and my camera. Hopefully something will leap out at me. Not physically, my heart probably wouldn't take it.

I expect when I get home that Dick will have left a hundred messages or more about film and TV projects. What I would really love would be to go over to England and do some work there. The Brits sure can act. Well, with one or two exceptions.

I've heard tell of one or two things going on that I may try and get involved with. Sure would be fun!

Currently listening : Taking on the Enemy's Sound by Candidate
Release date: By 24 April, 2000
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BORED

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Current mood: contemplative

After the ordeal of last night I am staying in for the next few days. So I have been listening to music, watching DVDs and putting off writing my autobiography.

So I took the phone off the hook, not that anyone but Dick ever calls, and switched on the TV. A film called Species III was playing, I hadn't seen the first two but that didn’t stop me seeing Richard III. To be honest I didn’t really understand the film. A lot of gross 'special effects' made up of puss, slime and wriggly things.

The best, and most unexpected thing about the movie was that an English actor by the name of Christopher Neame played a small role. He was in such classic movie's as Hammer's Dracula AD 1972 with Christopher Lee. Shame he wasn't in this movie for longer but he had an alien flirt with him, then reject him, then kill him when he said it wasn't polite for her to be a ***** tease. It was nice to see him though, as I'd not seen anything with him in for ages. He's a good actor. And I should know. I'm one too!

Well now I'm sat here listening to Level 42 a band from England. I love you Brits. Really love ya. I don't think any of you have a damn idea who I am, but I just dig you guys. I love your music, your movies, your history and your accents. "Can Oi have a cap of toi plaise" Cracks me up!

I know when my Wife gets back from her afternoon club she will nag me about still being in my underwear but hey if a guy can't wander around his own home in his underwear, where can he? Except maybe a fashion show for underwear or on the beach, or by a pool. Cos bathing trunks are basically underwear aren't they? Except designed to get wet and dry off quickly. Hmmm maybe I should start wearing a pair all the time...

Currently listening : Guaranteed by Level 42. Release date: By 25 February, 1992
5:09 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

FEARS RULE...

Friday, July 07, 2006

Current mood: relieved

I just got back from the Manager's house. My god that guy wasn't lying when he said he really REALLY loved Baxter Investigates...

As I walked up the path to his front door I could see myself looking out from his living room window. For a second I thought I had gone out of my tiny mind until I realized it was one of those completely pointless full-size cardboard cut-outs that people sell online and in comic shops. It was a publicity shot from Baxter Investigates... Again! that would have been erected in video stores if Baxter Investigates... Again! had ever made it into video stores...

I rang the bell and almost passed out when the door was opened to reveal the manager therein dressed from head to toe in a full replica costume of Geno Magee from Baxter Investigates... Again! And he insisted on talking in the voice too. Bernard Goldsmith who played Geno would be spinning in his grave... if he was dead.

So the scene was set. I was sat on the guy's sofa with him sitting rather too closely next to me. He raised his hand, and for a moment I was very slightly worried, until he picked up the control and started the VCR. He had selected Baxter Investigates... Cheap Frills. The very episode in which I dragged up to go undercover. Not my finest moment but this fella said it was his favorite episode.

He leant over, "Commentate."
"Huh?"
"Commentate. On the episode." he said.
"Ohhh, Sure... Erm well... these are the titles..."
"Not good enough." he interrupted.
"Sorry?"
"I want to know every detail of the production"
"I can't remember it all that well. The knickers were a bit constricting. I remember that"
"Thats nice imagery, but still not good enough..."

Suddenly my cell-phone rang, and I answered it in lightning speed time. "Hello? Oh really? No. Well yeh sure I'll be home right away..."
"Who was that", he said suspiciously.
"My wife. Er... Her mother has spontaneously combusted. We need to get over there right away and put her out."
"Of her misery?"
"Put out the flames"
"You sure you're not just making that up?"
"Noooooooo. I'd love to stay here but you understand I'll have to go."

And before he could say another word I was out of there like a raccoon from a bazooka. I've never been so glad of a phone call in all my life. Good job I asked my Wife to call at a pre-arranged time, just in case things got bad. Trouble was, she forgot and it was actually a wrong number! Of all the luck! I think my Wife can buy the groceries from now on. I am not stepping foot anywhere near that fruit cake ever again. Although I have a funny feeling I was followed home...

Currently listening : Still by Tony Banks. Release date: By 13 March, 2001
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